tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-509497574816685109.post5380474031996439541..comments2024-02-10T04:53:42.121-05:00Comments on Tales of the Easily Distracted: Walk on the Ocean, by Dorian TenoreDorianTBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01357778472575080022noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-509497574816685109.post-15729027694551648732010-11-23T09:24:54.312-05:002010-11-23T09:24:54.312-05:00Below, some helpful constructive criticism excerpt...Below, some helpful constructive criticism excerpts from friend and fellow writer Michael Wolff! Thanks, Michael!<br /><br />I have to say, at the outset, you've written much smoother and much less passive introductions. I understand what you're trying to do here, but I feel you're sacrificing flow for squeezing in information which could be installed later (and is, in many cases). My version of the above would read:<br /> <br />"For the third time since sitting down to wait for Claire, Sean Wilder checked his watch. Claire's dad was taking a phone call in his study while Claire got dressed, so Sean had the Dennerlaine living room to himself. As he kept quiet he realized he could hear what Claire and her mother were saying, and so he paid close attention."<br /> <br />I suggest this streamlining later in the Marcella/Claire conversation:<br /> <br />Sean heard Marcella's throaty cultured tones: "It's a lovely suit, darling, but isn't it a little, well, mature for you?" (Eliminate the preceeding material since we already know Sean's listening in).<br /> <br />Once we've passed these initial speed bumps, however, your writing tends to smooth out. Later on you had Marcella comment: “At least I got paid for the privilege,” Marcella sniffed. In my humble opinion, Sean passed up a golden opportunity by not making a response along the lines of: "Yes, that's one way of describing it." But I guess he wanted to stay on Ed's good side.<br /> <br />And call me "odd", or "prudish", or "provincial", or a taxi, but...I can't imagine Claire massaging Sean's "dick". His "erection", yes. His "dick", no. Yes, let's thoroughly open a big can of worms here, Sports Fans.<br /> <br />Okay . . . the story overall is quite cute. A nice vignette wherein Sean heroically steps in and restores his ladylove's self-esteem (is it really that simple to make love out in the ocean? Admittedly I've never been anywhere in the water wherein I'd feel secure about . . . say, isn't that Halley's Comet?). My question is: what did you want to do with this story? The reason I ask is because, to be honest, I was expecting something else. Additional material, perhaps. I don't know. This reads more like a scene in a story, rather than a complete piece. If Sean had proposed at the end of the story, or if Claire had announced to him that she was pregnant, or if Baron Bomburst had shown up to perform a kidnapping, then that would've made for a fuller piece. You're giving us a nice taste here, Dorian, but I feel you're holding back most of the muffin (he says, choosing his words not too carefully).DorianTBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01357778472575080022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-509497574816685109.post-6758375595090127302010-11-18T17:45:18.902-05:002010-11-18T17:45:18.902-05:00By the way, "cold cream" was our niece A...By the way, "cold cream" was our niece Ashley's name for ice cream when she was four! :-)DorianTBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01357778472575080022noreply@blogger.com